Patty breaks up with Justin after six months of dating. For an unexplained reason the relationship fizzled. Why? Justin no longer texts or initiates time together. Patty assumes he is busy after a recent job change. She is confused. They aren’t in-sync. When Patty attempts to discuss their relationship, Justin says nothing and doesn’t respond in supportive ways.
Justin has closed himself off. For Patty many questions linger. Did she cross an invisible boundary? Did Justin need help yet couldn’t ask for it? Why did Patty believe in a future with Justin and not visa versa?
Patty experiences no closure. She heads to Justin’s Facebook and other social media sites for clues. Searching feels helpful. Justin was dating before meeting Patty. It appears that he didn’t completely end it with an old girlfriend.Patty’s emotions rapidly shift from sad and lonely to feeling upset and hoodwinked.
Patty’s mind replays the sequence of events. She even imagines foul play. She fondly recalls experiencing moments of mutual sharing and trust. Patty’s internal quest for closure reaches a dead end. She remains perplexed.
Friendships, let alone romantic relationships, have less spontaneity that in past times. It is commonplace for us to type in the name of someone in Google and look for information. Why?
Relationships today lack some of the spontaneity of past times. It is commonplace to input a name on Google and deep-dive for information. Besides simply human curiosity, why are we so hot on someone’s trail?
Self-protection. Trusting others requires an ever-present feeling of being safe. We want to know we are safe in another’s presence as well as when we are separated and apart.
Character match up
Partners’ former marriages, long-distance dating, and child custody arrangements often stir questions about someone’s character.
One partner is often more expressive on social media than another. Online searches which provide feedback for those needing a clearer picture of character help allay our fears.
Trusting Others? A fine line
Let’s say Patty continues to spend hours online attempting to excavate a morsel of information. Instead of accepting their breakup, Patty shifts into full-on investigating. She burns vital energy by engaging in negative rumination, trolling and suspicion. She justifies her obsession by seeing herself a victim of betrayal.
Tempering – adjusting and revisiting the basis for our trust of others – is a vital skill. We must cultivate discernment. It’s necessary to take the temperature of what is happening between us and others.
Clinging to worn-out impressions about our most vital relationships can set us up for major relationship fiascos. Relationships which veer dangerously off-course occur more than we allow ourselves to contemplate.
“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.
— Paul Coelho
Trusting the Self
An ego-driven mind values wounds itself rather than healing. When relationships end, wounds of doubt, worthlessness and failure overtake pure spaces in the head and heart. Accumulating wounds reinforces deleterious attachment.
Positive and forward-looking intuition points us to trusting love one more time. Why? It’s not the heart in pain. We refer to a broken heart, but it’s the broken ego which is annihilated. It’s not the mind in need of relief, it’s the ego in need of another source of supply. Plus, we are hardwired to be engaged and to engage others. Engagement is the essence of trust.
As Patty releases her attached ego from the relationship with Justin, intuition presents a recovery plan that includes four steps:
- Self awarenessPatty questioned the volatility of the relationship. Her body sent signals. Something was off. She brushed aside minor physical sensations, explaining they were signs of age or a season change. As Justin’s involvement in the relationship lessened, Patty’s anxiety escalated. Without feedback from Justin, she started to believe she was the problem and began to second guess her words and intentions. In hindsight, Patty now appreciates the physical and emotional nudges and commits to allow them to further guide her to a place of clarity and strength.
- ValuesPatty’s trust means valuing relationship honesty and transparency. Justin’s dishonesty represents an ego led by fear of letting go of an old girlfriend. His ego keeps him attached to the past. His attempt to be with Patty fails because he is not honest about his unfinished business. Justin focuses on past disappointment and regret. He can’t see past them. The lens of values determines if two people are in alignment and ready for a deeper commitment.
- Forgiveness Trust shifts from fixed places which dull our senses and separate us from light. Forgiveness is the bridge to light. Forgiveness transports us to our Higher Self. Forgiveness transforms illusion of wounds. We hold onto nothing. There is nothing to hold. Forgiveness and freedom are closely connected. Patty opens herself to let go of the dishonesty and the entire experience. She begins to trust forgiveness will promote a clean slate.
- IntuitionEach experience takes us closer to trusting our inner compass or remaining exposed to outside influences. Patty’s leans in towards her intuition to stop over-analyzing. She blesses the story she created with Justin. Intuition gives Patty’s heart a soft place to land. Intuition helps her recognize meaning.
By relying on intuition for healing, Patty’s definition of trust evolves and expands. She learns that a trust check-in will benefit her in friendships and romance.
Trust is possible and very necessary.